Warning: contains indepth talk of mental health
The thing with depression is it isn’t something you can reach out and touch. You can’t envision it, you can’t describe accurately how it feels, you can’t explain it to someone who doesn’t know the feeling. Only metaphors can do it justice.
For me, depression is like a hole where I’m constantly falling, there’s no end, there just darkness. And anytime I reach out to a hint of light, it’s just that little bit out of reach. I want to just scream. Let it all out. But I can’t. Nothing I do can let it out. It’s a struggle honestly and I feel like people think I’m making excuses. I’m not, people with depression aren’t. We genuinely can’t force ourselves out of bed, we can’t get the willpower to go make food or, sometimes, even go get a glass of water. And it’s something that does push people away. You can’t control the urges that run through you, the need to push everyone away before you hurt them. At least - that’s what it is for me.
I can’t describe to my friends what goes on in my head except a constant buzz. A constant feeling of fear that I’m going to be abandoned. Like I can’t be around them as I’ll just bring them down and that’s all they’ll see me as. That they don’t actually see I’m trying my best as it’s more difficult than people can realise.
It’s easy for someone who doesn’t have it or experience exactly what you experience go ‘oh just do it it’s not that hard to go make toast.’ Like no, of course it’s not technically that hard but it’s draining. It’s draining to be in the same room as people but also equally draining to be away. I just lose all motivation for everything in life. I lose the need to move, need to live. I struggle really bad with even things like seeing friends. I pick up on every little change in sign with them - no matter how small - and it makes me feel like they genuinely hate me.
Everyone has their different coping mechanisms. I go one of two ways. I either push everyone away and lock myself up (which makes it worse but I force myself to stay away as long as possible, sometimes losing the people closest to me because of it) or I feel the need to try and be around them as a feeling of comfort. I tend to be more affectionate leading into my major depressive states as physical affection such as hugs gives me that little boost that sometimes I need and I worry that I come across as too much. I tend to do one then the other. As I feel like being around people too much causes them to hate me and make them want to push me away but then I disappear and it’s like they don’t understand it’s my mind. It’s the buzz taking over. And I can’t feel anything behind the buzz. I could scream sometimes and I wouldn’t hear it. So it’s trying to find something that will pierce through it in a way. Break it apart and feel something else other than… emptiness.
And it’s like friends say call whenever but when you see online that they’re happy and having fun whilst you’re crying your eyes out… you don’t want to ruin that for them. You don’t want them to be annoyed. Or for waking them up. I’ll only call if I’m not at quite at my worst and I feel a way to stop it. If I can fight the numbness in my head. But when I’m at my lowest I won’t contact them. I’ll try and give a warning sign but I can’t say outright ‘I need help.’
Finding healthy coping mechanisms is on the to do list. To get through each day is possibly one of the hardest things as you just have to hide it. One thing I’ve heard is ‘you seem alright’. That’s part of the exhausting part - seeming alright. That’s the aim. But then things just explode. And sometimes it can become really difficult to find ways to convince yourself to keep fighting but it’s just forcing yourself through each day. Forcing yourself is the correct phrase. It’s painful at times. Like I said - I just want to scream.
So I think the message I’m trying to get across is that it’s not an excuse. The ones around you who are saying they don’t have the energy - they genuinely don’t. It’s not a switch. It’s something that constantly is in their life just sometimes is stronger. And it’s about finding ways to help. For me - don’t let me disappear and give me a hug. But don’t be surprised when I still try and disappear because, as selfish as it sounds, I just can’t help it. It’s a struggle. But one we can push through.
The shadows of the mind hide the secrets we don’t want to reveal. But one day - we will shine a torch on them.
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