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Writer's pictureChloe

Depression: The Constant Feeling of Drowning

Warning: contains indepth talk about mental health


Unsplash: @gadiellv

The scream is stuck in my throat as it tightens, my breathing becoming irregular. Haziness crosses my vision as the panic attack takes over. All I can feel is the coldness of the bathroom tiles that I'm curled up in a ball on, the feel of my hands desperately grappling at my hair to tug it, the pain a way to ground myself. Sobs leave my throat as I curl up even tighter, everything else a blur around me.

Depression is an everyday struggle for people who suffer with it. There's no off switch, no pause and no break. It's suffocating at times, a constant buzz that goes on in my head. Other times, it's easier to ignore and a more distant buzz, but still there, still constant. It's never completely shut off. And my anxiety causes frequent panic attacks which can be triggered or completely random.


"It's suffocating at times, a constant buzz that goes on in my head."

1 in 4 students suffer with mental illness, and there's no doubt that the recent years with isolation struggles has increased that number. I, for one, found my depression more difficult when I was confined to the small room in student accommodation with no social interaction or contact. Those were the longest 14 days of my life, and the reason I finally reached out for help.


One of the biggest lessons I've learnt in my battle is that there is no straightforward solution. Whilst one medication may work for one person, it may not for another, and whilst counselling may work for one, it may not another. It's no straight clear road. Only 1 in 8 people seek medical help when it comes to mental health, showing just how difficult it can be to reach out.

It's been difficult for me to reach out to those closest to me, my friends and family, to tell them about what I struggle with. How can I do it without seeming like I'm looking for sympathy? Or some people have said 'it's just an excuse'. It's not. Some days, I feel like I'm drowning, like I've got nothing I can reach out to, no-one I can turn to, even if someone is right there. It's even having the power to reach out as that takes a lot in itself. Drowning is the way to describe it. Like my lungs are filling up with water, choking me until I can't breath properly, until my breathing is erratic and uncontrolled.


Cue the panic attack.

And then there's feeling worse from not doing anything at all, the guilt of not being able to get the energy to do anything. It's a constant circle that never ends, a repeating loop thats just going on and on and on.


There is no 'step by step guide' to help those struggling with mental health. It's a matter of finding the strength to reach out, and usually that strength won't come until you're at your lowest. That's how it was for me.


The shadows of the mind hide the secrets we don’t want to reveal. But one day - we will shine a torch on them.


Contact Samaritans if you need to reach out urgently


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